It was my birthday this past week. I turned 63. It does not bother me in the least because I have always viewed age as only a number. I have and continue to stay young at heart. I still work out three or four times a week. I have a zest for life. I always like to learn new things and I don’t think I will ever fully retire. I will always be doing something productive. I have always told my friends that I was 19 last week and what the hell happened? Life happened. I cannot say the same for my family members, especially my mother. She will be 90 later this summer and her cognitive ability continues to decline.
This past week, the day before my birthday, I stopped in to see my mom for a cup of coffee. Every year she would have a card with a little gift in it to mark the occasion, but this day was different. There was no card forthcoming. My mother truly did not know it was my birthday. The cold, blank look on her face said it all. Her cognitive decline continues. I truly did not take it personally at all because as we continued our discussion, she did not know when it was my sister’s birthday either. We were talking about family memories, and she also does not remember living in the house I grew up in for 20 years. Whether it is the start of dementia or Alzheimer’s, the fact of the matter is that my mother is at the twilight of her life, and her memory continues to fade.
So, how do you deal with an aging parent that does not know your birthday? I keep coming to the same conclusion, compassion, patience, and love. It is not their fault. This is beyond their control, and you must understand and accept it. Your mother showed compassion, patience, and love for you when you were growing up and getting into mischief and now it is your turn to return the favor. It is the circle of life.
My mother does not need professional care at this point. She still lives alone and most importantly she is not a threat to harm herself. She is adamant about not going in a nursing home and for now we must respect her wishes. But at what point do you step in should the situation deteriorate? When do you take away her last bit of independence despite her wishes? I have asked and answered my question at the same time, when she can no longer take care of herself or can cause harm to herself or others.
It is tough love, and it is not a decision I look forward to, but I know it will need to be made in the near future. We are not there yet, but it is on my mind. In the meantime, I try to visit her once a week. I hear her repeat the same stories again. It is exhausting but I know it is payback for the anxiety I may have caused her when I was growing up.
Dealing with an ageing parent has its challenges. There is no playbook for this. You can only do the best you can, and you take care of your family the best way you can too. When the inevitable day comes when the Almighty decides to take her, I will not miss her forgetfulness, her naivete, her religious intolerance or hearing the same stories repeatedly. What I will miss will be her undying love for me. I must always remember that for my future visits regardless if she knows whether it is my birthday or not.
Cheers
Al